April 7th: Caretaker

April 7th

Caretaker

When I was born, into this female body
I was told you will take care of others
You will love, and give
you will smile and always be happy
because the world is dark, and you must lift up those around you
connect to those around you
that is your purpose

and I said
yes
because I wanted to belong, and I signed with blood along the dotted line
for 30 years I discovered what that meant
and how it would weigh,
how the fine print on that promise would go on and on for pages
how critical that Authority voice would be, if I chose to be “selfish”
this Agreement was my Bootcamp
where rebellion was met with harsh words and rigorous punishment
broken
I was broken down and pasted back together into a mold of a Perfect Lady
a Good Girl
understanding
supportive
bright
healer
welcoming
teacher
and anything else I would self-flagellate away
I was very good at punishing myself

My rebel never left, though
and her voice is getting stronger
what if
what if
what if you say
no

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